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    Undecided

The rectangular glass on the wall captured her attention. Beyond the window, her gaze lingered on an undecided sky. A brilliant sun was being held in hostage by dark clouds.
Around her, there was a constant and low rustling of pages. People were reading, writing, studying, exchanging murmured words.
She decided that she’d had enough for that afternoon. She closed the book she had been reading and put it in her bag. She knew she shouldn’t have done so, but she still had to study a few chapters, and she assuaged her conscience by thinking that she would make up for it the following day.
She didn’t feel like staying in the library that afternoon. She didn’t like the suffocating sensation the place was conveying to her. She moved towards the exit, and found herself out of the university. She was undecided whether to go straight back home or hang out for a while in the city centre. She would decide on the way to the station.

Every month, there were papers to hand over and, this month, a particular job had been delegated to him. He couldn’t stand it. He’d lost almost an entire afternoon - mostly because of the journey. Skipping a few hours in the office could be pleasant, he didn’t deny but, in his opinion, it was a meagre consolation comparing to being bound to travel by train. It was always so crowded and, sometimes, he even had to run to catch it.
And, of course, he thought ironically, that afternoon wasn’t an exception.
Here he was, looking impatiently at his watch, waiting for a bus there was no trace of. He wanted to take the train that left at 3:40. The idea of missing it didn’t appeal to him. Particularly when the sky threatened a rainstorm at any moment.
He instinctively looked up. Above him, dark grey clouds were pierced by sharp sunbeams. And there was still no trace of that bus!

A small raindrop fell on her nose. She cleared her throat as a bus passed her, enveloping her in a cloud of pollution.
She was surrounded by greys that blended: smoke, sky, roads, houses, feelings. There were greys inside, and greys outside.
Without intending to, she found herself thinking of a few months ago, when she still could have stepped forward. She wished she could go back and do so now, but she understood that, even though that jump could have been possible, things would not have ended any differently.

She wondered how long one could remain in limbo like this. It was just like the sky that afternoon: undecided.
There just wasn't an answer to be had.
Not for long, she would have stated months ago. But then life itself had contradicted her. One could make mistakes, could be too proud, could be frightened and, she thought, one could also not know what one was really feeling.
But, first of all, life had shown her that it was two people who had to decide. She could never have done it for both of them.
A raindrop slid along her forehead, disrupting her thoughts. Scarcely being aware of it, she had arrived opposite the train station.
She waited for the green light to cross the road. She glanced at her watch. She had missed the 3.40 train, and hoped that the next train would be waiting. She needed to sit and relax as she waited for its departure.

He swore irritably at the bus and the traffic. He got off, still grumbling to himself, and made his way towards the entrance of the train station. He was obliged to dodge some travellers who were undecided as to which way to go, and resignedly looked for his platform.
A sudden sunbeam prevented his seeing clearly as he walked towards the train. But only for an instant, for it was immediately obscured by a cloud again.
He looked through the window, and recognized her immediately.
He knew she had seen him too, but he preferred to pretend he hadn't. He moved to the next compartment and sat in the first free seat. He hadn't expected to see her, despite knowing it was likely.

He forced himself to think of something else. Those thoughts were disturbing. Even though some months had passed, he still felt angry when his memory revived that experience.
There had been a long chain of misunderstandings and indecisions, which had caused them to turn away from each other. Clarifying the situation seemed almost impossible. Perhaps pretending it had never happened at all was the best solution. Time would take away that bitterness, he hoped. It was with astonishment, and some trepidation, that he heard her voice breaking through his thoughts.
“Hi!” It came out totally lacking decisiveness, more like an apology than a sincere greeting.
He turned, a hesitant smile forming on his lips. Another hesitant smile had formed, before him, on a face he knew so well. He returned her greeting almost unconsciously, and his smile lost some of its hesitancy.
It was a small gesture, nothing more, and they were both aware of it.
It was a small gesture that told them. very simply that, maybe, it was still possible to put things right, to try to understand each other. To give each other a second chance.
The sky seemed to have stopped vacillating. A light wind was now blowing. Those hostile clouds would slowly go away and let the sun shine through again.

 

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Written by Marta F., 2004

 

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